I recently bought a new car that I am [mildly] obsessed with. I love everything about it. The design, how I feel when I drive it, taking care of it… it even feels good making the payments!

There is something about owning things that just feels good. People value things they have possession over. We just like things better when they are ours. Whether it is a car, a house, Lakers' season tickets, or a silly rock collection … having ownership makes us feel like we have power. Like we are in control. Having control is important because it allows us to form identity and develop commitments and responsibilities, which are essential functions for well-being.

While possessions can be important, there is power in taking accountability of your experiences, too. In therapy we call this, "owning your story."

It is easy to have ownership of physical things. We can touch and see and feel them. We live in a society that values materialism. Owning your own story is more difficult. We fool ourselves into thinking we can ignore parts of our story that we don't like. But this is simply not true. If you don’t own your story, your story will eventually own you.

Here is an anecdote that illustrates this concept:

A client Alex* was once late for her session because her car broke down on the freeway. After processing the fear of being trapped in a stopped car on a speeding road, we recounted the events that took place before the car broke down. She explained she had a very busy week because her demanding and micromanaging employer had overexerted her with countless tasks due by the weekend deadline that she was too busy and too tired and did not have time to bring her car to the mechanic to check on the check engine light that was on.

I explained to Alex that although these parts of her story were true, it did not paint an accurate picture of what occurred. In Alex’s story, she assumed the role of The Victim of her car’s malfunction and of her employer’s poor managerial skills. While her car was in fact broken, and her boss was no employer of the year, the story wasn’t complete because the protagonist’s part was missing.

Alex felt like life was simply happening to her. I helped her understand how viewing life as outside of you is disempowering, because she had no part or no control in creating the story line. I used narrative therapy with Alex to help her retell her story in a way that felt more empowering to her. Alex’s new story went something like this:

“During a busy week, I chose sleep and rest over bringing my car to the mechanic. My decision led to my car’s malfunction on the highway. Luckily I was safe and the car did not incur any additional damages. From now on, I will focus on improving my time management and organization skills to make sure situations like this do not happen again.”

By taking ownership of her part, Alex was able to see areas of her life she would like to improve. Though it is not always comfortable to admit our flaws, it is a necessary part of self-development. Alex felt empowered because she created a space for herself to grow and problem solve, instead of staying stuck in the out-of-control blame game.

Certainly there will always be circumstances in life beyond our control. Part of being successful in life and having well being, is about taking ownership of what we can. As the serenity prayer states, “grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.”

Here are some practical ways you can take ownership in your life:

1. Language. The most basic part of a story. Although vocabulary may not seem like a big deal, your word choices impact the way others perceive what you are sharing with them, and thus, how they perceive you. For example, though they are often used interchangeably, there is a difference between the words cant and wont. Cant means it is physically or otherwise impossible for something to occur. Wont implies choice. Choose your words wisely. They are important.

2. Feelings. Perhaps the most common misconception about feelings is they are caused by other people. The reality is no one can you make you feel anything. Only you can control the way you react to what others say or do. Sometimes emotions can feel out of control. The best place to start is to name exactly what you are feeling. Don't bother getting stuck in needing a reason why. Although it can be helpful to find meaning, sometimes you just have to name it to own it.

3. Mistakes. Most people do not like to admit when they are wrong, or when they’ve made a mistake. Perhaps we are afraid of seeming weak, or feeling guilty or embarrassed. When in reality, every person who has ever lived had made mistakes.       

Successful people know making mistakes are part of success. As Michael Jordan famously said “I’ve missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. Twenty-six times I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.”

Sara Blakely, CEO and Founder of SPANX is helping her employees to reframe their definition of failure. She believes making mistakes are part of the process to finding success and so she openly shares her “oops” with the staff at her company. Blakely believes the real mistake is not trying at all. By owning her mistakes, she gives her employees permission to do the same.

The best leaders, employers, and relationship partners are individuals who are willing to admit when they mess up. They are the best people to deal with because they know how to manage conflict, solve problems, and move forward. In order to be completely comfortable with ourselves, we have to be willing to own our faults.

4. Accomplishments. What are the messages you tell yourself when you achieve something? How do you share your accomplishments with others? Do you tend to write lengthy heartfelt Facebook statues sharing your accomplishments? Do you become boastful or arrogant? Do you deflect or shy away? There is no correct way to act when you accomplish something, but whatever you do, it is important to accept that you deserve it. As Marianne Williamson says, “our playing small does not serve the world.”

Often when we feel out of control in our lives it is because we feel like life is happening to us, not for us. If you would like to gain greater control and find meaning in your life, please reach out to me. I am here to help. For more information or to book an appointment, please call 203-273-5950 or email me at amanda@amandajablon.com.

Amanda Jablon, MSW, ACSW, is an associate clinical social worker in private practice in Los Angeles, supervised by Ken Howard, LCSW, #LCS18290. She works with a wide variety of clients, but specializes in the special needs of millennials and in individuals who need help moving beyond the past.