Everyone tells you you’re looking at things the wrong way. That you should just be optimistic. As if you were to smile and do yoga everything would be sunshine and rainbows. Well f--- those people. You’re not that kind of person.

In my experience, there are three types of thoughts that make someone feel like they are “not that kind” of person.

1.     You know about the evils of the world. Maybe you were shielded from it as a kid (or maybe you were not), but you’ve long since learned how ugly people can be. To ignore that knowledge would be to forget about those experiences and silence your truth. A truth that instinctively protects you from harm.

2.     You know better. If you look at things optimistically, you are only setting yourself up for greater disappointment.

3.     You are a realist. Optimism is not reality. Nobody can be happy all the time. Maybe you just want to feel whatever it is you are feeling.

Good or bad, your feelings are ALWAYS valid. It’s science.

Let me explain.

Imagine you are a cave person… on a tropical island… drinking a Mai Thai … suddenly you see a bear! You feel afraid. Your brain sends signals to your body that sends you into fight or flight mode. At this moment you are completely and utterly aware of three options and three options only: you can fight the bear, you can run away, or you can play dead. Fear in this case has a really important biological purpose. By limiting the choices you have in dealing with the bear, you get hyper focused on the task of surviving. Thanks to fear you get to live and finish your Mai Thai.

The problem with modern biology is that we are no longer running from bears, but our brains have not yet caught up to our progressive lives. So whenever you experience a negative emotion (fear, sadness, anxiety, etc.) your brain responds by solely focusing on the task at hand and shutting everything else down. So whether you are anxious about a poor review at work, angry because you are in a fight with your partner, or running from wild animals, your brain does not care… negative feelings = bear.

I think most of the reasons we choose not to think optimistically stem from encountering so many bears. We eventually become afraid of having more bad feeling experiences, dread being disappointed, and we even use reality as a reason to validate our fear. It’s important to understand that fear is actually something to be grateful for, because it’s the body’s natural way of protecting us. We just have to learn to ignore it every once in a while so we don’t hold ourselves back.

The biology of positive emotions is interesting because it actually works in the complete opposite way of negative emotions. One research study looked at the way positive emotions work by examining doctors’ abilities to solve problems. The researchers simulated positive feelings by giving the doctors some candy and then asked them to think out loud while analyzing a case. The doctors who felt good were able to think about problem solving in a really broad and expansive way. They were clear-headed, organized, open-minded, drew on a wide span of information, didn’t get stuck on their initial thoughts, and were less likely to make a premature diagnosis.

Essentially, when you think with a positive mind, you give yourself opportunities. When you think with a negative mind, you limit your potential.

This actually means that you have a huge amount of control in creating the outcomes in your life, just by altering the way you think.

If you are finding yourself thinking that this information just does not apply to you, that there is no hope for you, that you have always seen the worst, that is quite simply not true. Science has figured out that brains have this thing called plasticity, which basically means that old dogs can and do learn new tricks!

These are not just my opinions, kids. This is science. Cold. Hard. Science.

So we know the grass is greener, but how do we get and stay on the other side?

Let me preface by saying that I don’t think optimism is a natural thing. Negative emotions are just stickier and heavier than positive ones. So you basically have to figure out a way to override your body’s natural system. You just have to work for it. Like really hard. And actually commit to the process.

It’s like going to the gym when you haven’t gone in a while. The first time you get on the treadmill you’ll feel really sore and want to quit. But when you keep practicing your muscles develop, you feel stronger, the practice feels more familiar, and thus it gets easier.

You have to be willing to surrender fear. You have to be willing to fail. You have to be willing for your expectations to be wildly murdered. You have to accept that learning to think in this way will not eliminate your negative feelings or struggles. And you’ll probably even feel stupid while doing it. Learning to think optimistically isn’t easy. It’s just worth it.

There’s an Einstein saying that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. You cannot realistically expect to have a good quality of life some day if you are perpetually focusing on negativity. If you want to get out of feeling stuck in negativity and start moving toward a more positive life, but need a little guidance, please reach out to me. I am here to help. For more information or to book an appointment, please call 203-273-5950 or email me atamanda@amandajablon.com.

Amanda Jablon, MSW, ACSW, is an associate clinical social worker in private practice in Los Angeles, supervised by Ken Howard, LCSW, #LCS18290. She works with a wide variety of clients, but specializes in the special needs of millennials and in individuals who need help moving beyond the past.