Teens and screens are a duo today that go together like Spongebob and Patrick, chips and salsa, or Ariana and Pete. According to a recent Pew study, 95% of teens own a smart device. About half of those teens reported they are on the their phones constantly, while the other half say they check their phones several times a day. Even more astonishing, these statistics are impartial to race, gender, ethnicity, and socioeconomic background.

For most adults, this information, though not surprising, is hard to swallow. None of us grew up this way. Anyone who is old enough to rent a car remembers what it was like to call your friend on their parents landline and ask permission to speak with said friend. Albeit, we probably would have much rather had an instant chauffeur named Uber than waiting hours for a ride from mom to the mall… but that was the way things were. 

But maybe we limit ourselves by believing only in what we “know.” 

I remember my parents telling my brother to get off his Nintendo and go play outside, because the screen “wasn’t good for him.” Ironically, many of my peers who were influenced by computers and video games are now successful app designers and web developers. Aren’t teens and screens just the updated version of this? 

This is not to say there are not drawbacks of technology. There are many obvious links to negative experiences for teens like depression, anxiety, poor body image, loneliness, and poor sleep. As a psychotherapist, the negative effects from social media on mental health are my number one priority. However in doing research, I realized teens don’t think social media is as bad for them as we do. 

According to Pew, 31% of teens view social media as having a mainly positive effect on their lives due to increased connection, entertainment, self-expression, and information. However, they are not blind to admitting there are drawbacks. 24% report experiencing a mostly negative perspective of social media, mainly because of bullying and other harmful effects on social relationships. Still, the majority of teens, 45% see social media as neither positive nor negative. 

What I realized is this: to teenagers today, social media is just a normal part of their lives. Just like going to punk shows, wearing acid washed jeans, or Farah Faucet hair was for their parents.

I am not suggesting that constant screen time is healthy for teens. What I am suggesting, however, is that teens and phones have a unique relationship; one that as adults, we are on the outside of. Just because most of us adults are also glued to our phones doesn’t mean we understand teen screen culture. Adults quite simply are of a different time. We all know intellectually that today’s teens are the future. But what does that mean? It means they are going to be able to use technology to do things for us and the world that we cannot even begin to imagine. I think this is important to acknowledge.

While it is significant to validate the value technology has on our teens lives and not discount the usefulness it brings to them, as adults, it is our responsibility to moderate their use in a way that keeps them healthy.

Based on my research as well as first hand experience as a person who analyzes the teenage psyche for a living, here are some of my suggestions: 

Start with YOURSELF. 

The very best way you can insure your child has a healthy relationship with social media is by modeling it. The whole “do as I say, not as I do” thing isn’t going to fly here. Your kids are watching your every move for cues about what they should and shouldn’t do. 

Start by simply being aware of how much you use your phone, especially when you’re around your teens. Do you have conversations with them while simultaneously responding to emails? Do you text while you’re driving them around? Do you take important work calls while at the dinner table? If you answered yes to these questions, you’re definitely not alone, but maybe it’s time to reassess the kind of message you are sending.

An easy way to stop old, bad behaviors is by replacing them with new, healthier behaviors. Establish technology-free zones in your house that apply to everyone, including parents, like no phones in the bathroom, in the bedroom after 10PM, or at the dinner table. Create family rituals everyone can share in, like weekly family dinners or a game night. Warning: your kids will 100% resist and call it dumb. Hold the line, and eventually they will cave and enjoy. Who doesn’t love a family game of Heads Up? 

Identity what you determine to be healthy, appropriate, and realistic rules around technology in your home as a family. Set limits and enforce them, but don’t go overboard. If your kid is a good student, responsible, and respectful, and says they prefer to study with their phone, there is no need to not allow them to study with their phone. Technology isn’t going away, so placing extreme limits on your child (unless warranted) probably isn’t going to be helpful for anyone.

Make Technology Relationships A Household Conversation.

I like to think of technology as a relationship, just like the relationship you have with friends, food, school, work, alcohol, etc. Start conversations with your family about the type of relationship you each have with technology. Do your kids find their relationship with their phone to be healthy or abusive? Ask open ended questions about what they do with their phones, just like you’d ask them about their relationships with friends.

A study conducted by Common Sense showed that their is a big discrepancy between what teens and parents think they know about phone use. In general, teens are more honest than parents give them credit for, and parents are more sneaky than teens realize. 

Get real with your kids about what they do when they are on their phones. Learn about their preferences and habits. Pew revealed that teens mostly use Snapchat and YouTube, followed by instagram, facebook, twitter, and Tumblr. A lot of parents are friends with their kids on facebook, but does that even matter? Take some time to learn about these other platforms. However, I do advise against friending your kids on Snapchat, because if you invade their personal space they might *literally die*. 

Trust. Trust. Trust.

One of the greatest lessons I have learned from being a therapist is that kids show respect to their parents when they feel respected by their parents. Same goes for trust. If you and your teen have a relationship chock full of mutual trust and respect, that is enough. Without due cause, snooping through their phones can do more harm than good. It is equivalent to reading their diary.

Cue the “when I was your age…” bells. When you were growing up, if your parents said be home by dinner, that was it. You saw them at dinner. No check in texts, no GPS tracking, no FaceTiming to make sure you were where you said you were. Technology can be an amazing tool, but it can easily turn you into a helicopter parent. 

Now might be the time your automatic fear response is kicking in and your brain is trying to tell you that you only hover because you want to keep your kids safe. OF COURSE you want to keep your kids safe- you love them and care about them more than anything. But, I’m challenging you to ask yourself if maybe, justttt maybe, you overdo it a little.  It is important to allow you and your kids opportunities for building authentic trust and connection without relying on the crutch of technology. 

Strive For More Balance, IRL.

Just because technology isn’t going anywhere doesn’t mean it provides teens with all they need. Far from it.

Apple recently added a feature that allows you to see how you spend your time on your phone. Sit down with your kids and calculate how many hours you each spend mindlessly scrolling through apps. If you are scrolling for five hours, that is 30% of your waking life, and that is a pretty modest number. Have a conversation about screen/life balance as a family. 

Have your teen reflect on how the time they spend on their phone impacts them. Do they feel like they have ever gained anything from scrolling on Instagram for two hours? If they are a photographer, then maybe! If they only follow meme accounts, then probably not. 

Help your kids add balance to their lives by giving them new opportunities for gaining connection and social skills outside of their phone. The best way to get your kids involved in real life activities is by pursuing things they already find interesting. Have your teen identify all the things that make them happy. Then have them create a pie chart to reflect how much time they spend participating in said activities. The more you do what you love, the happier you will be. 

And for good measure, LEAD BY EXAMPLE. Because this stuff only works, if YOU work it. 

We often feel out of control in our lives it is because we feel like life is happening to us, not for us. If you would like to gain greater control and find meaning in your life, please reach out to me. I am here to help. For more information or to book an appointment, please call 203-273-5950 or email me at amanda@amandajablon.com.

Amanda Jablon, LCSW, is a licensed clinical social worker in private practice in Los Angeles. She works with a wide variety of clients, but specializes in the special needs of millennials and in individuals who need help moving beyond the past.